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I’ve been wanting to blog about this all week, but I’ve been busy with…stuff. So, of course I have another story to share, because my week wouldn’t be complete without a crazy random story.
I’ve mentioned before how old men like me. It’s true. Last Friday I met with a reprographic sales rep and he was doing his whole talk and the whole time I just noticed something a little off about him. He was just different… not in a threatening way…just different. He said he’d love our business and would contact me sometime the next week to go over a few things. Okay, great, wonderful, superb – now leave so I can sit at my desk and be miserable in the heat.
So, Monday rolls around and I had several errands to run that day. I got back to the office and I walk back to my desk and see this massive boquet on my desk. Who could they be from? A secret admirer? A boyfriend I don’t know about? My second dad?! Oh, no. I look at the card and it is none other than creepy printing rep, thanking me for meeting with him and hoping to see me again soon. I mean…LOOK at that thing — it’s huge! Coworker said “that’s bigger than what I got for my anniversary!!”
I contemplate how to reply. I need to thank him for the flowers – but I can’t be overly thankful because lord knows how he’ll take it. I shoot him a quick email saying thanks for the flowers, and this week looks busy so I don’t think I’ll have time to pull any information for him. At this point I’m trying to avoid ever seeing him again.
Not two seconds after I hit send, my phone rings. In a very breathy voice I hear, Hello shelly, it’s creepy sales rep.– (wtf, was he sitting by his desk waiting for that email?) you got your flowers huh? did you like them? I bet they made your day. By the way — are your eyes real? (No, they’re implants.) You have really great eyes. I’m going to call you on Wednesday so I can come in and we can go over everything. Really, your eyes are beautiful and your hair too, it’s so unique. I loved meeting with you.
I was pretty much shocked and didn’t really know what to say so I just said okay and hung up.
He never called yesterday, so I’m hoping he forgot about me and has moved on to some other pretty eyed girl.
My coworkers are getting a kick out of this whole thing, and I think low-talker might be a little jealous. Last week I had casually mentioned that I love peaches but have had some trouble finding any good ones. So…Tuesday he brought me a whole bag of them from the market. He said I shouldn’t go without good peaches and these will be the best I’ve ever had. He was right.
Company birthday party tomorrow. We all know what fun those are.
*** UPDATE *** He just stopped in. He was “in the area” and we’ll be meeting next Wed. Ugh
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I love you so much!!
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Remember this conversation?
Saturday evening I was in bed trying to get some much needed beauty sleep. 1:30 a.m. rolled around and my phone started ringing. Now, this is very unusual because no one ever really calls me, especially at such an hour.I stumbled out of bed and looked down at my phone and it only had a number flashing on it – no name. I looked at it and recognized my dad’s number. I thought, why on earth is my dad calling me at this time of night? Is he drunk? (For the record, I don’t really know why I always assume my dad is drunk – he’s really not a boozer.) ANYWAY. So I think, uggh…I’m letting it go to voicemail.
A minute later it buzzes with the voicemail message. I start listening to it and it’s a man…a very throaty voiced man who said, “Hey Shelly, I just called to see what’s going on, I haven’t talked to you for 3 or 4 weeks, so I just thought I’d see what’s going on. Give me a call sometime. Okay bye.”
So, I’m thinking. WHO THE HECK WAS THAT. I’m sure it would be easy to assume that throaty voiced gentlemen call me all the time, so naturally it would be difficult to keep them straight…but, I assure you that is not the case.
So then I realize. IT WAS THE GUY I MISTAKENLY CALLED TO WISH A HAPPY FATHER’S DAY TO.
Why did he keep my number and call me back? There are a few options.
1. He’s nuts.
2. He thinks he gave me his number at some bar. So when I mistakenly called him on Father’s Day he just stored my number. I’m guessing on Saturday he was looking for a booty call and figured I would be a sure thing. Make your own assumptions there.
3. He actually has a daughter named Shelly — who he has apparently never had the phone number to reach until about 3 weeks ago, and thinks it’s appropriate to call her in the middle of the night while drunk.
4. He’s nuts.
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Okay, seriously now…my coworkers are hilarious.We’ve got this new guy, mid 50ish who started a few weeks ago. Let me just say that old men love me. I don’t know why. They just find me somewhat endearing or charming or like I’m the daughter they wish they had. Anyway, I showed him the ropes and everything and I am the only person in the office he has chosen to talk to. So, he’ll always kind of meander by my desk and slow down so I look up. When I do…he just shrugs. I’m not quite sure what to make of it…but that’s okay. And then he’ll just come up and look at the in-out board. There are 9 names on it and nothing else. He’ll just stand there and stare at it and I’m not sure why. Then he’ll abruptly turn to me and salute. I don’t know why.
So, last week he came up to my desk. (Let me set it up for you.) I’ve got this huge vent above my desk and we turn that on when it gets hot in here, so I can barely hear anything at all when people are talking around me. It was also during one of the days last week when I was sick and my head was plugged up and I couldn’t hear well to begin with. AND he’s a low talker. So, anyway, I was asking him what kind of code he wanted for the door and he gave it to me and he said it spells out “fish” on the telephone pad. And I had remembered seeing that he had one of those license plate holders that said “I’d rather be fishing”. So, I go “oh – you like to fish huh?” And he starts talking about fishing, but I can’t really hear him. So, I’m trying to lean over my desk to hear him better and he starts saying this: “Yeah we went fishing…low talking, can’t understand, low talking, … and had to put him in a bag…low talking, low talking…and people thought I was bringing back an elk. …low talking… awful. never again..” And he’s staring at me with this face and I’m thinking…what the heck just happened? Did he just tell me his friend died when they were fishing or what?! Did he actually kill an elk? What do I say?! What happened? I couldn’t hear him! He was low talking! So, I had no idea what to say…should i ask him to repeat himself or…what? So i just slightly smiled/frowned at the same time and said. “oh, okay.”
That is really one of many of our normal interactions as of late. This morning he mentioned something about dreams and I casually mentioned that I had a nightmare last night. He looked at me seriously for a moment and said…About what?! I told him my neighbor (or someone I knew) broke into the apartment and attacked me. All of a sudden he gets all flustered and pulls this letter opener out of the caddy on my desk, and says, let me show you something very important. From there he goes on to show me how to properly knife someone and makes me practice with him. I asked him where he learned this skill and he just responded with, “I was in the military – that’s all you need to know.” He then goes on to tell me what I should do if someone were to come up from behind and grab me. Obviously we had to practice this as well. He then suggested I take defensive karate and if it’s too expensive, he would be willing to teach me.
Hm.
So, now I’ve threatened just about everyone in the office with my knifing techniques, and I think they’re finally starting to take me seriously.
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:: Because Heids is in Kigali, Rwanda for 3 weeks, I have been watching CSI basically non-stop whenever I am home. Mixed in with an episode or two of Run’s House and the Discovery Channel specials on Egypt.
:: Having a second job is everything I thought it would be. Not fun..and tiring. I do love that my manager is my life long friend and I have made myself Assistant (to the) Manager, a la Dwight Shrute.
:: Co-workers are still crazy. So crazy that I was forced to come to the project site to meet an on-site plumber because my co-worker thought he was nice and kind of cute, even though she said her views could be skewed due to her circumstance. She’s a 50 y/o Lesbian (not that there’s anything wrong with that) and she just really doesn’t want me to come alone to the company picnic.
:: Said plumber endeared himself to me when mid-way through our arm wrestling match I started to ask, “have you ever…” and he finished with, “seen Over the Top?”
:: It is extremely dangerous working next to Bath & Body Works when they are having a sale so incredible it will make you think that yes, you really do need 2 new shimmery lotions, 3 body sprays, and 4 different kinds of body lotion.
:: Hearing my mom say, “I don’t get how any one could have the balls to steal that much money…” might be one of the funniest things I’ve ever heard.
:: Hearing “I’ll Make Love to You” as I sit in the Costco parking lot, will automatically throw me back to 1994 when I was sitting in my brother’s room and I finally conquered the Sonic SEGA game.
:: Driving over I-90 in to Seattle during sunset may be one of the most beautiful things ever. You should probably try it.
:: I found a bike accessory that I just had to have. It is now officially ready for the triathlon.
A Thousand Words 
